This article is published in the book:

"Psych 101 -
What you didn't learn in nursing school."


by Kathi Stringer
Paperback: 320 pages
ISBN-13: 978-0615193137
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The Emotional Child -
PTSD & Borderline Personality Disorder

by Kathi Stringer 2/6/04

I am emotional child, with a machine for a brain that won't turn off. The machine overtakes all matters of life, a distraction. The machine shifts into overdrive to evade, avoidance of self. Without the machine, the emotional child, hence `the child', would be lost without any delineated boundaries for containment. The machine provides the only known sense of object constancy, and even at that, it is a hologram. What remains without the machine is the abyss. The starving child that is lost in rapprochement, in endless reenactment, to secure a renewed experience from a failed situation.

Can I love as an adult? I suppose the machine can intellectually fabricate what may appear as the love from an adult. However, it is pretend, an act, an emulation from knowledge. I love as an emotional child, meaning, I love in a child vs. parental dynamic. This creates conflict between the machine and the child. The machine wants to be in control, to monitor the milieu, to prevent abuse, neglect and hurt. The child wants nothing to do with this role. The child wants to surrender, trust, and absorb the innocent essence of unconditional love. The machine and the child are hopelessly caught into developmental rapprochement, nomads land. The push-pull. The machine-child. The run, I test you, if you catch me, you love me, care for me. You miss, I look into my crystal ball, maybe you don't really love me. The machine builds walls, runs and plots a defense, all the while the child is screaming to be rescued from the machine. The machine is skilled, gifted, and prepared. The child is small, helpless, and insecure. If you talk to me as an adult, you are communicating with syntax formulas that are highly efficient. It is not real, but a carefully constructed defense operating out of insecurity. This creates problems. The child needs affection and trust when insecure. However, the machine intervenes and crystallizes a cellular matrix that takes control, because when the child is insecure, the machine is more defensive. When the child needs security the most, the machine starves it.